In 2024 I burned out hard. I didn’t care about work or code. I kept missing out on personal and professional obligations and deadlines. It was as if I was sick. I traditionally am the type of person who can code every day without fail or exhaustion. In the workplace I try to solve every problem I can get my hands onto. I truly didn’t think burning out was something I could conceivably do. When it happened, it wasn’t something that I could immediately identify and it wasn’t sudden. It wasn’t until my removal from the situation I was in that I was able to overcome and learn about my affliction.

What is burnout

You can likely find a ton of definitions and descriptions of burnout. From a quick search, my favorite is “Burnout is a state of emotional, mental, and often physical exhaustion brought on by prolonged or repeated stress.” ([[Psychology Todayhttps://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/burnout]]). The definition while simple may map apply different to you in a slightly different way.

Flash-point

As with most things, there were a variety of causes. There were weeks where the number of working hours touched over a hundred hours. At the time, I also had a large breadth of responsibilities at work that I hadn’t had at any other point previously in my career. The largest contributing factor in my opinion was doing work without making any noticeable difference.

I probably output the largest number of code changes that I will ever make in my life. Superficial statistics like number of code revisions or number of commits far exceeded values that would be normal, even accounting for the fact that I was contributing to 5 projects at the same time. After all of that work and effort though, I don’t think I am able to takeaway any notable accomplishments.

I did not have have a partner in product management. Guidance from leadership was opaque and often conflicting with previous guidance. My role’s charter was carte blanche in name only. In such a situation, I found myself often doing work multiple times to make up for missed implementation details from the previous attempts. Retreading ground so often made me lose my sense of purpose and I lost checkpoints of progress.

Unfortunately while in this situation, I took all of my work problems as a series of personal character flaws. I sought professional coaching and saw therapists and learned many things about myself (apparently I am neurodivergent), but I never reached the satisfactory answer I needed.

If it wasn’t for external forces and loved ones in my life, I don’t think that this story would’ve had a positive end. After a notable week where I clocked over 100 hours of doing work, I remember remember looking in the mirror at a person who was unrecognizable. I had gained 60 lbs in the last year, I had noticeable darkness under my eyes. I think when I my wife (then girlfriend), saw me, her concerned expression put me over the edge and I had to make for a tearful release.

Remaining embers

Fortunately, it wasn’t too long until I was able to get another job offer. The job search process was confidence inspiring and I was able to avoid a tangible pay cut. Others saw my potential value and it paid dividends in my self esteem.

The recovery wasn’t instant, I didn’t realize the extent of the problem for a few months. I had no motivation to work on personal projects or do more than the minimum amount of required hours at work.

Paradoxically, I didn’t consider myself well recovered until I was laid off in March. At this time, I was able to fully embrace time to myself, enjoy the beautiful spring and outdoor time, and focus on my health and fitness.

In retrospect I guess burning out makes sense. I favor work on the frontend because of the shortened feedback loop in comparison to other development work. I need to keep making forward progress to give myself meaning. I was spending so much time mimicking Sisyphus instead of delivering great experiences.